and then you realize life ain't simple...

A KIND OF LIFE CALLED LOVE

2006-05-01T23:41:00.000-07:00

She became my life when I was fifteen. She also turned out to be the very person who saw the best and worst in me that even I wasn’t able to see. She is everybody’s favorite girl—and mine too. She is my reverie in this frenzied world. And I believe she will always be, no matter what happened, or happens.

It was during the first day of classes during my third year when I thought another year would pass by me without experiencing anything worth remembering. But not until I sat on my chair I realized that particular school year won’t be any other school year I’ve had before. There she was—seat number four, row one—and I suddenly had the desire to know her name even if I’m not good in remembering one. Good thing it was my favorite subject, homeroom, so I got the big chance of knowing her name and introducing myself without being too obvious. Names, names, and more names passed through my ear until I saw her off her seat and stand in front me—or the class, rather. I listened so intently to what she’s saying that I didn’t even notice that my seatmates are fooling around again. With her very sweet voice, she said that her name was Dawn. Her name reverberated throughout the room, or that’s what I thought, and I knew right then and there that I have to know her.

So I dared myself for a once in a lifetime thing: introduce myself to her during break time. Was it easy? Far from it. I saw her sitting along the bleachers of our school’s courtyard during break time. I almost looked like a stalker if it weren’t for my curly hair and small figure to deny me as such. I counted from one to ten for almost five times before I lifted my right foot and headed towards her. My heart pounded louder as her face got clearer in my eyes. When I was about two meters away, some girls approached her and started chatting with her. Yes, I was discouraged. So in a very discreet manner, I turned around and started towards the classroom. I was scolding myself for being so spineless because I obviously had the chance, but got scared off by some sophomores, I believe. During my torment walk, I felt a slight tap on my shoulders. When I looked behind my right shoulder, I saw the smile that even Mona Lisa couldn’t imitate—it was hers, Dawn’s. “Hi, I saw you come towards me and realized you were intimidated by the other girls. So I thought I’d introduce myself to you instead. I’m Dawn.” She offered her right hand for a shake and I was too transfixed to notice it. But I’m not a fool to pass up that chance so I immediately shook her hand and grasped it tightly as soon as my foot set upon the ground again. “I’m Borj.” And at that moment, things had never been the same again.

I am the type of person who couldn’t get any peace in having low grades. I’d rather study than hang-out with the other boys in school. I was never the laid back person but all of those things changed after I met her and she became my friend. She taught me how to experience high school the way it’s supposed to be experienced. Before, I used to argue with my teacher regarding her lessons and my grades but Dawn made me see and understand that grades really aren’t everything. She also introduced me to new people so that I could learn how to socialize more, she said. I have always been the shy type, but she gave me that certain kind of confidence that I don’t think I could learn from anybody else. And all that happened with a blink of an eye. For I never noticed that we’ve known each other and already called each other bestfriends in a span of only six months.

She shared her life and so did I. There’s almost nothing that we don’t share… except for living under the same roof, I guess. It was already the third quarter when my homeroom teacher finally realized that I badly want Dawn to be my seatmate. Things couldn’t get any better, I believed during that time. But I believed wrong. Two days before the awaited junior’s night (different from the Promenade), she asked me if I was doing anything after class. Having this big crush on her, I figured my Filipino group meeting could wait until the next day. So I came with her to this quiet place in the cafeteria. I was planning on asking her to be my date for the junior’s night but she had obviously read my mind, as always. She gave me a ticket for the party and told me that I could pay her after I receive my next week’s allowance. All I could do was smile at the thought that we are indeed, of the same wavelength.

Much of the preparations happened on the day of the much awaited party and who’d have thought we’d be an item by the end of that night? It wasn’t just the whole batch who was surprised—even I couldn’t believe I’m living my almost impossible dream. True enough, that was the first time I felt a tingling sensation inside my stomach—it was what most people call butterflies. We won the prom prince and princess title during our junior prom and senior prom. Dawn and I being the couple that lasted for more than a year, is already considered record breaking for my batch. I was more than proud that I have every right to claim her as mine… more than proud.

We graduated with our hands clasped together and with much love that no other high school students could ever share. I passed the UPCAT but she didn’t. However, us studying at different schools wasn’t much of an issue, for we know we’ve gone past that stage. So we went on our separate ways and pursued our own different dreams without letting go of our shared one. Now I stand in front of her, reminiscing every minute we both have shared. The laughter, the tears, the sleepless nights studying for an exam, and the feeling we both felt when we’re together are so overpowering that I didn’t realize that tears are already welling up in my eyes.

How ironic that I’m smiling though tears are falling down my face. Yes, I loved her… and I think I’ll never stop, even if the time comes that I’ll find another. The carvings upon the marble engrave her name so well that I could feel her beauty there. It wasn’t supposed to end that way. I told her not to drive when she’s drunk. I told her so, but being the hardheaded carefree girl that she is, she simply wouldn’t listen. She was supposed to see my graduate and I was supposed to give her a home.

We were supposed to have that good forever, but it was a kind of forever we have to endure separately.

I loved her and she loved me. I think that’s enough for my tears to dry up when the time comes. The hardheaded and carefree girl I had loved the moment my eyes laid upon her is now so far from me that no matter how far I reach, I just couldn’t get a hold of her. Maybe she really wasn’t the one for me—or maybe—we’ve shared all the what might have beens the world has to offer that our time was simply up.

I really don’t know, but does anyone?

simply feeling apathetic.

2006-01-01T05:38:00.000-08:00

i got loads to do. first thing on the list is studies. acads. darn that. exams and everything isn't helping with what's happening in the family.

my lolo just died damn it. i wasn't that close to him but still, i owe to him my life.

my mom was the only one to carry the burden (financial wise, that is). tragic really.

then here goes filipiniana. darn headache they're giving me. we got to work. seriously work. and i don't know if i could hold on any longer. writing the motor corporations is harder than i though. fuck crap.

xmas and new year came so soon.. too fast. i wasn't able to linger or savor its goodness coz i got lots in mind. tragedy, it is.

on the love department though, im content where i am. not loveless, not lovefilled either. just... enough to keep me sane.

this is an entry for a beautiful mind

2005-11-20T12:11:00.000-08:00

is there really a fine line between loving and living? or are they as indivisible as the yin and the yang?

i often wonder if i truly have lived 18 years of my life feeling almost all the emotions i could feel-- and that, ladies and gentlemen, includes loving. question is, how do i know if i, indeed, have loved or it was simply my mind working for me?

it's a funny fact for people my age (and below) to declare that we have felt heartache. yes. that stinging tingling sensation we feel in our left chest cavity whenever we think of someone we think we love. heh. we THINK we LOVE. ahh, the mind over heart and heart over mind issue again. which am i really?

with everything that's happening right now? i believe i'm a mind over heart person... well at least for now. and maybe it's for the better.

at least, i'm still saving something for that vague future.

paghintay sa ulan

2005-10-15T06:14:00.000-07:00

"Ano ba dun ang hindi mo maintindihan, Harry? Hindi na nga pwede." malakas na sambit ni Myka kay Harry. Puno na ng pagkairita at galit si Myka kay Harry pero hindi niya ito magawang saktan. Nakatitig lamang ng matagal si Harry sa kanya, halatang nag-iisip ng susunod na sasabihin. Maya-maya'y lumapit si Harry sa kanya't malumanay na nagsalita, "Sino ba ang nagsasabing hindi pwede? Sila? Eh ano ba ang alam nila? Hindi naman nila nararamdaman ang nararamdaman nating dalawa eh. Kaya naman natin eh. Paglaban natin. Mahal mo naman ako diba?"

Isa na yata iyon sa mga laging tinatanong ni Harry kay Myka na sa tingin ni Myka, hindi na dapat tinatanong.

Katahimikan.

Dumungaw si Myka sa bintana ng bahay na kanilang tinuluyan sa isang malayong probinsya. "Akala ko kaya tayo lumayo para makapag-usap tayo nang masinsinan. Para malinawan. Para makaisip ng solusyon sa problemang ito." Parang panang sumakto sa puso ni Harry ang mga salita ni Myka. Hindi na niya magawang lapitan ito kaya't sumagot siyang ni hindi man lamang matignan kahit ang likod ni Myka. "Ginagawa ko naman ang lahat eh. Sinusubukan kong lumaban. Sinusubukan kong intindihin ang mga sinasabi mo. Maniwala ka, sinusubukan ko." Paulit-ulit itong sinasabi ni Harry na parang nababaliw nang tao. Napansin ito ni Myka at nang kanyang tignan si Harry, nasilayan niya ang mga luhang kailanman ay ayaw niyang makita. Agad agad siyang lumapit kay Harry at niyakap nang mahigpit. "Alam ko. Hindi mo kasalanan. Walang may kasalanan. Biktima lang tayo ng panahon. Hindi lang tayo pinalad sa mga pamilya natin." Parang isang batang binigyan ng matamis na kendi si Harry nang marinig si Myka na magsalita nang ganun. Bihira kasing magsalita ng ganun si Myka.

"Pero kaya naman natin diba?" Tanong ni Harry kay Myka. Dagliang humarap si Myka at sabi kay Harry, "hindi lang siguro ngayon. Pero alam kong maaayos din natin ito. Sa tamang panahon. Hindi ba't sabi mo sakin, pareho tayo ng tadhana?" Mahigpit na hinawakan ni Harry ang kamay ni Myka at sabay sagot, "Oo. Pangako. Kahit kailan, hinding-hindi tayo magkakaiba ng landas na tatahakin. Kailangan kitang maging malakas Myka." Nakangiti na silang pareho ngayon, na parang binunutan ng tinik sa dibdib. "Oo, Harry. Para sa'yo... para sa'tin."

Magda-dapit hapon na nang matapos sila sa kanilang usapan. Oras na para sila'y maghiwalay at umuwi sa kani-kanilang pamilya. "Hihintayin kita, Harry." Huling sambit ni Myka bago siya sumakay sa kaniyang sasakyan. "Ganun din ako, Myka. Kahit sa kabilang buhay, hihintayin kita." Pabulong na sabi ni Harry habang pinapanood niyang papalayo ang sasakyan ni Myka. Nang wala na sa kanyang paningin ang sasakyan, sumakay na rin si Harry sa kanyang kotse at nagmaneho na papalayo. Halos sabay nilang iniwan ang bahay kung saan sila nagsumpaang hindi sila maghihiwalay.

Nasa isip pa rin ni Harry si Myka at tila'y wala ang kanyang atensyon sa pagmamaneho. Hindi niya namalayan ang isa pang kotseng paparating at huli na ang lahat para ikabig ang manubela. Sabay umikot ang paehong sasakyan at ang sasakyang nakabangga ni Harry ay sumalubong sa isang puno ng narra malapit sa bangin. May malay si Harry nang matapos ang mabilis na pangyayaring iyon. Daglian siyang bumaba at tinignan ang pasahero ng sasakyan. Wala itong malay, duguan, at nakahandusay sa maalikabok at baku-bakong daanan. Lumapit siya upang makita nang mas malinaw ang pasahero.

Tumigil ang kanyang mundo sa kanyang nasilayan.

Babae.
Dalaga.
Si Myka.

Tumakbo siya papalapit at inakay si Myka sa kanyang mga braso. "Myka! Myka!" Sinasampal ni Harry ang mga pisngi ni Myka, tahimik na nagdadasal na magising ito. Ilang ulit pa'y unti-unti nang nagkamalay si Myka. Hindi ito nakapagsalita nang makita si Harry. Ngiti lamang ang kanyang inialay para sa irog. "Myka. Hindi ko sinasadya. Myka, kaya mo yan. Maghintay ka. Dadalhin kita sa ospital." Umiling si Myka. Marahil ay alam na kung ano ang patutunguhan ng lahat. "Mahal kita, Harry." Umiiyak na si Harry ngayon-- humahagulgol. "Tama na, Harry. Masyado ka nang nahihirapan dahil sakin. Hihintayin kita." At sa sandaling iyon, umagos ang mga luha kasabay ng pagbuhos ng ulan. Pumikit na si Myka sa huling pagkakataon at kasabay nun ay ang pagpatak ng isang luha sa kanyang mata.

….

“Hihintayin kita, Harry. Hihintayin kita.”

you wanna talk change? fine, let's talk change.

2005-10-04T00:45:00.000-07:00

looking back, i figured that indeed i have changed.

into someone i never expected myself to be. maybe i thought it was my perfect world. people, friends, family who would take the real me and help me change for the better.

i was wrong. i became better without them.

it's not just them who could make me feel special. let's try reading a verse again: I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through me. -John 14:6

It's basically believing and having someone believe in you. I found that with Kuya Dap and others. A friend, a brod, a mentor. ang galing kasi akala ko dun lang sa mga taong yun ko mahahanap yung kapayapaan na hinahanap ko. they made me believe that being with them is the way. i was wrong. totally wrong.

sabi nga sa service, hindi mo kailangang ipagsigawan na naniniwala ka sa kanya. dahil sino ba ang kinukumbinsi mo? ang iba o ang sarili mo?

why do i feel this way? maybe because the way they treated me when i "left" isn't that nice-- or inviting for me to come back. umalis ka.. pwes hindi ka na nila kilala. hindi ka na kasali sa usapan. can't relate ka na eh. bakit ka pa nila iu-update? that's why i don't wonder why i'm not coming back. i never left the heart of worship. Bestfriend ko pa rin Siya. i simply left those people who're trying to make me believe false things. they're all bunch of hypocrites. ouch? not true. nu-uh.

buti sana kung ako lang ang nakararamdam nito. marami nang nauna sakin. sumunod lang ba ako? hmm. hindi rin. dahil hindi ako gumagawa ng mga bagay para lang makisabay sa "flow".Devil kaya ang bumubulong sa akin? That'll only happen if you doubt Him even for just a second.

I don't like hypocrites. I don't like judgemental people. I don't like people who tries to devoid people of things just because they think it's for their own good. They're mere selfish twads who think only of themselves. If you love Him so much, don't you think it's just right for you to reach out and not condemn them just because they don't believe the things you believe in? H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E. Saying one thing and doing another.

Disappointing. He is disappointed. And who told you He isn't? Them?

Are you seriously listening? Or merely hearing what you want to hear?

I never thought you were this stupid.

announcement

2005-09-27T22:00:00.000-07:00

as of september 26, 2005...

i finally came to realize i have let go and stopped feeling pain.

hay.

finally.

no.. seriously.

2005-09-19T12:55:00.000-07:00

this is my nth post about IT and i haven't stopped yet. blech. i seriously wanted to already. damn it.

if only i could ask my heart to let me go. let me go. let me go.

then maybe someday, i could let him go too.

oras na para lisanin ang mundong kay lungkot.

2005-09-13T00:06:00.000-07:00

Minsan, sabi nya sa akin sandali na lang,
akala ko naman ay sigurado na ako.
Handa kong tangapin ang kanyang oo...

Bigla na namang nagbago ang isip nya,
di ko akalain na ganun pa la sya
pinaasa nya lang ako hooo,
bitin na bitin ako woohoo

Hindi ko na alam kung makakaya ko pa..
Di bale na lang kaya....
Ako pa ba kaya ang nasa puso nya..
Di bale na lang kaya..
Ngunit mahal ko sya...
Di bale na lang

Ngayon, araw araw lumilipas ang panahon,
Kalimutan ko sya'y di malayo sa isip ko,
Di kaya pinaikot nya lang ako hoooo

Bigla na namang nagbago ang isip nya,
pagkakataon ko nang mapasagot ko na sya,
pagkat sinabi ko'y di mabili,
Baka mapahiya muli

Hindi ko na alam kung makakaya ko pa,
di bale na lang kaya,
Ako pa ba kaya ang nasa puso nya,
Di bale na lang kaya,
Ngunit mahal ko sya, (di bale na lang, di bale na lang),
Di bale na lang...

Bakit ka naman ganyan,
ano pa ba kayang paraan,
pero kung kailangan mo naman ako
,agad akong tumatakbo.

at the brink of desperation

2005-09-08T00:45:00.000-07:00

"Mamamatay akong di man lamang nasisilayan ang pagbubukang-liwayway sa aking bayan. Kayong nakakikita, batiin ninyo ito, at huwag lilimutin ang nangabulid sa karimlan ng gabi."
-- Elias,Noli Me Tangere
_________________________________________________________

i think every Filipino's becoming an Elias.

'cept for those in the HOUSE.

and then i was left with nothing.

2005-09-07T04:52:00.000-07:00

if you're planning on giving somebody a piece of your mind, keep it. sometimes, you'll just get too driven by your emotions that you just can't seem to stop talking-- and worse, can't remember what you've just said. or worst, couldn't understand what you're talking about.

~~yeah, that's bull.~~

moving on.

2005-09-03T06:41:00.000-07:00

i was browsing through my old files when i found this. it's doc name is "scratch"... and I can't remember the day or the reason why i wrote this.... or rather, whom i wrote this for. hmm.

Mga ilang buwan pa lamang tayo nagkakasama ngunit pakiramdam ko’y buong buhay na kitang karamay. Tila’y kay rami na rin pala nating napagdaanan. Ngunit sa pagtatapos ng pang-akademikong taon na ito, di na rin kita makakasama nang ganun kadalas. Nakakalungkot mang isipin pero dapat ko itong tanggapin—dahil wala akong sapat na kapangyarihan upang utusan ang mundo na tumigil sa pag-ikot.

Hindi mo pa ba napapansin ang aking hinagpis sa tuwing nababanggit mo ang iyong paglisan? Alam ng Diyos kung gaano kahirap ang pagtahimik ko sa isang tabi habang pilit na iniintindi ang mga desisyon mo sa buhay. Maramot man ang isipin ng iba ngunit paano na ako? Pag ika’y lumisan, ano na ang gagawin ko kung iniwan na ako ng buhay ko? Marahil ay alam mo na… oo… ikaw ang buhay ko.

Sa tuwing makikita ko ang matamis mong ngiti, hindi mapigilan ng aking puso ang lumundag sa tuwa. Sa tuwing kasama kita, hindi matawaran ang pagka-kuntento ng aking sarili. At sa tuwing sinasabi mong mahal mo ako, pwede ko nang iwan ang buong mundo at ilaan ang sarili ko para lamang sayo.

Kung akin lamang ang mundo, alam mong ibibigay ko sa’yo ang lahat—kahit na ang mga bagay na kailanma’y di ko kayang ialay.

Bakit ka ba ganyan? Kay tibay ng iyong paniniwala sa tadhana. Hindi ka pa ba nakakausap ng tadhana? Hindi ka niya pinipilit ng gawin ang isang bagay dahil sa pakiramdam mo ay dinikta niya ito sayo. Desisyon mo pa rin ‘yan.

anyway, i'm proud to say that i'm moving on. i think it's right about time to change my life... set new priorities. in short, change my blog subject. hahaha!üü i'll still rant and rave and brag about things and talk about him but not as much anymore. i mean, finally! right? haha

so anyway, im majoring in science communication already. haha!! go for the gold! i'm hoping for the best... though it really won't be that easy. *whew*

more about love soon! haha! once i'm done fixing my life (again). ü

coz i'm broken.

2005-09-02T09:02:00.000-07:00

indeed.

after one and a half years, i'm finally letting him go.

not that fast though. it'll take time. but i will.

i will.

when day turned into night for never again...

2005-08-28T01:52:00.000-07:00

it was then that i realize that forever was in his eyes
the moment i saw him cry...
_________________________________________________________________________________________

Indeed. 1:21 am of 28 August 2005 when my cellular phone rang and I saw his name on the caller ID. I was so tired that I decided not to take the call and reject it. But my curiosity killed me and texted him and asked him why.

Tragedy. He replied and told me about the recent happenings in his love life. Turns out, the person he left is trying to commit suicide due to unbearable events occurring in succession. Honestly, that's bull. Full of crappy stuff. But I panicked all because he said he couldn't take it anymore and wanted to leave and go back to Zambo.

THAT I COULD DEFINITELY NOT AFFORD.

So anyway, I called him up and we talked for about half an hour and I basically blabbed and told him stuff to do. ~~He was quiet the whole time, probably deliberating what I told him.~~ When we dropped the line, I knew I had to get that sleep but I can't help but to give him one last message before he deals with the problem later on that day. The message goes:

Be strong. Not just for that person but for yourself too. I blabbed nanaman kanina pero alam kong may sense ako one way or another. I can't afford to have you go weak because of that person. Kung pwede kong saluhin yan, gagawin ko. But then again, no. So just do what you think is right. If you are uncertain, tell me lang. We'll figure something out.Ü (we always do) Go rest. You have a long day ahead of you. Kaya mo yan!ü You're stronger and wiser that you think. And I'm here to back you up.Ü

And once again, I received no reply.

I tried to sleep peacefully but his voice, alongside his sobs and sniffs, couldn't make me do so. It's reverberating in my head and every single sound of his sobs and tear that I could almost see fall down his cheeks breaks my heart so slowly that his pain already became my pain. And it is so unbearable I had to pray for sleep to take over me.

And when I woke up, I realized the pain was still there.

__________________________________________________________________
i just wish that those tears were for me..

about to lose it. again.

2005-08-27T07:11:00.000-07:00

~~this was supposed to be posted a week ago.~~

FRUSTRATING.

Why?

I have no exact idea.

When I woke up this morning, I felt so tired and my body is so beat. For two days straight, I've been fussing so much about what happened last Sunday. Added to that, my brods and sisses are making a big deal about my "eye" for him. What's more, after giving him a card with a very long letter on it, all he said was a simple thank you. I simply do not know what to do already. ~~I wanted to let him go~~--i seriously want to but can't seem to do so all because i got so attached to him for so long.

Wrong move. Wrong move.

F

R

U

S

T

R

A

T

I

N

G

.

*sigh* The saddest thing that can happen between friends is when one falls in love while the other wants nothing more than friendship. Love can sometimes be magic, but magic can sometimes be an illusion.

I am scared.

I'm growing all too tired.

how did i fall in love with you?

2005-08-18T05:07:00.000-07:00

it was his birthday last 17th.

i took the extra effort to make the surprise/celebration extra memorable and special for him. here are the details:

suprise happened at exactly 12 mn
all of his super friends were there
there was a big happy birthday *dumdum* bash, including the 1 and 8 candle
i finally saw those teary eyes and widest smile from him
he was speechless
so was i
one of his friends started the "message giving"
i was the last one to speak
i was trembling when i was talking
eat-out
hang-out
he opened my gift consisting of:

adidas jersey (set)
adidas shoe bag
adidas headband
adidas socks
adidas training cap

it was 130a
people started walking away
two of us were left sitting... talking
there was a lot of "opening up"
time stood still
the sky was dark
light started peeking in the sky
it was 6a
it was time to separate ways
a tear dropped

it was one of the best days of my life. i finally saw him happy... and he seriously thanked me for everything. i was happy. after one and a half years, i made him really happy and open up to me.

~~and after one and a half years, im finally letting him go.~~

life couldn't get any more complicated... but it couldn't get any better than to have your dream change into a better reality...

...overnight.

one fragile heart, three unbearable heartaches

2005-08-09T01:34:00.000-07:00

i am aching.

with much stress coming from my acads (exams, projects, etc) and my org (yeah, lots of dances coming up), i don't think i could handle three heartaches all at the same time.

the first one, i've learned there's a small chance for the "us" to happen. conflict of interest. it seems like we desire the same kind-- men. i tried to make all those facts sink in but it seems like that's far from happening. either i forget about it or allow it to eat my whole being. i chose the former.

the second one was a should be kind of thing. allowing fear to take over me, i declined his offer of being "us" and i guess his feelings just kinda went out.

the third was a "love from afar". *sigh* ~~we could have made it~~. but then again, no. though he told me nights ago that i got a special place in his heart, and that it'll be hard for him to accept my departure. with all those profession, he told me not to think of anything else but friendship. *blag* i fell right then and there.

i am so tired right now and i don't know if i'll ever recover.

to these three people, i pray that my heart will close its doors on you. i've already felt so many pains that one little mistake might kill it already.

i still want to live.

but it shows that i'm already dying.

inside.

..and out.

for the person whom i unconsciously allowed to break my heart.

2005-08-07T02:35:00.000-07:00

7/29/05 This was the letter I wrote that blissfull night when truth came out and I was the first to catch it.

Dear You,

Here I am again. Sitting alone and staring blankly at my computer. I know I’m blind. . Or rather, my heart is blind. Fate doesn’t have to tell me. So many times, I’ve prayed that some miracle might happen and that you’d see my tears. The tears that I shed because I long for you. Sadly, that reamins to be a blurry vision because while I sit here writing about you, you wander somewhere else thinking about someone else. You do the same thing as me. You hold on to a dream that you wish so hard to be true. You’ll never know how much I try to share your grief and mourning for a love aspired. Pardon me… I have my own heartaches to mend.It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Life was simple before you. I was contented with the reverie that love was perfect, a fairy tale. My white knight was going to come for me despite the forces that would stop him and he’d sweep me off my feet. And then you came along, not in shining armor but in the form of an arrow dipped in poison. You shot through my heart without warning. It hurt… so much. And the thoughts of you spread through me like venom. Because of that, of course I had regrets. But it also freed me from my fantasy and put me back to reality. Love is not a blissful chimera. It is anything but that.

God is it me? Why can’t you see my pain? Why can’t you see that I writhe everythime you talk about someone else with a different sparkle in your eyese? Why can’t you notice that my smile is a façade to cover up my true desires? So many questions all left unanswered.

I wish I could tell you all this. I really wish I could. But this is a letter you’re never going to read… I don’t think I have the heart to give it to you and I don’t think you have the strength to tell me the awful truth even if you do read it. I’ll just wait for the moon to shit and while you are in slumber, I shall whisper in your dreams: “I love you, belive this to be true.”

Always and forever,

Me